I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
