I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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