Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
