checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
