when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
