I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
