There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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