I wish my penis had an off switch
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
