How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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