I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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