Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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