it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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