chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Randomize
