I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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