Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
