Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
