Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
