Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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