I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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