He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
