I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
