she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
