I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
