Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
