I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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