Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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