So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
