She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
