omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I want a musical about memes.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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