And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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