found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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