Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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