so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
