I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
