good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
