Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
