well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
