i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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