the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize