i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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