I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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