its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
