I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
