if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you never un-have a 4some
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
