i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
