I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
