im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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