there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
