Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
