Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
