ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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