Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
