Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
