Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
