there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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