I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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