I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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