There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We need a shit load of segways right now
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
