hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
